deverne.net

FW: Signs to make you smile

2009-12-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

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Bippity Boppity Bacon!

2009-08-27T09:10:00.002-04:00

Does Anyone Else Hate Ghost Hunters?

2009-08-05T22:31:00.003-04:00

I watch SciFi channel daily and pretty much have to turn it off on Wednesday and Thursday because of the stupid bogus show called Ghost Hunters. It's lame.

I watch enourmous amounts of television and SciFi doesn't get my prime time viewing dollars for at least 6-8 hours a week.

Anyone else out there annoyed by this show?

Save Jericho Again - SciFi Maybe?

2009-06-22T15:56:00.000-04:00

Binaural Beats - 10Hz - Alpha Wave For Relaxation

2009-04-23T12:38:00.000-04:00

Binaural Beats - 10Hz - Alpha Wave For Relaxation
by hypnosisdownloads

Light Bulbs

2009-04-22T14:49:00.001-04:00

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!

Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

FW: Children Writing About The Ocean... Hysterical!

2009-04-17T08:52:00.001-04:00

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.   If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.   (Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.   (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't
blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?   (Helen, age 6)

9) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.   Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

10) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

11) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

12) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.   Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

**************

Da Birf Uv A Nashun

2009-04-08T15:22:00.003-04:00

2009-03-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

More People use blue toothbrushes then red ones.

2009-03-21T01:57:00.000-04:00

The Average American/Canadian eats about 11.9lbs of cereal per year.

Welcome to Gitmo's World

2009-01-29T11:25:00.001-05:00

Clockwork Pool Service

2009-01-20T10:37:00.002-05:00

Clockwork Pool Service - watch more funny videos

Flying Toilets

2009-01-16T09:15:00.000-05:00

100th POST! Are you going to finish strong?

2009-01-12T08:46:00.001-05:00

Need Ideas for Promotions for Your Business?

2009-01-09T14:16:00.002-05:00

Base your promotions around all of the crazy/quasi holidays we have invented for ourselves. Click here for a calendar for the whole year.

Janes's Addiction - Don't Call Me Whitey Nigger

2009-01-06T09:59:00.001-05:00

2nd Wii Remote Didn't Work

2008-12-27T16:23:00.003-05:00

Santa brought us a second Wii remote this year. So I popped batteries in it and pointed it at the Wii and nothing happened. A little googling later, I found out that the bluetooth technology in the remotes require the remotes to be "synched". You need to open up the battery cover on the remote, press the red sync button once until the blue lights are flashing, then open up the SD card panel on the Wii and press the red sync button. Wait a few seconds and the new remote should be synched.

EBONICS: A Serious Analysis of African American Speech Patterns

2008-11-08T20:00:00.000-05:00

I ran across this article and found it very interesting. If you listen carefully to some speech you can see many of the patterns outlined in this excellent article: EBONICS: A Serious Analysis of African American Speech Patterns.

Thinking About Dwarves

2008-11-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

I found this awesome website called torsopants.com. Their sense of humor is very close to mine, and I'll be showing shirts I think are funny.

Excuses for falling asleep at work

2008-11-06T11:21:00.001-05:00

A list of some of the best excuses for falling asleep at work:

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must've left the top off the liquid paper.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

Obama - Change You Can Believe In

2008-11-05T10:34:00.004-05:00

Privyet Komrades!

A whole new era is ahead of us. And Robin Hood is in charge.

Money As Debt

2008-10-14T23:44:00.002-04:00

Here is an interesting video about money and where it comes from ...

Internet Explorer and Youtube Compatibilty Issue Resolved

2008-10-09T15:37:00.004-04:00

I had a CSR tell me that they couldn't get to a page on our website. He got a popup stating "Internet Explorer cannot open the internet site ...".

I googled and finally found this fix.

It was only happening on pages that had youtube videos embedded. You need to strip out all of the code except the last set of <embed> tags, which would kill the <object> tags (which IE doesn't like), the <param> tags, and the first set of <embed> tags in the Youtube code.

It works now, it's just a pain in the ass that it stopped working in the first place.

Have fun!

Wildcard DNS with Hostgator

2008-09-26T12:52:00.006-04:00

I've been trying for two days to figure out how to set up fake subdomains for a website.

After googling, I finally found out.

I asked Hostgator to set up Wildcard DNS. While waiting for their response (only an hour or so), I found this post ...
http://forums.hostgator.com/wildcard-subdomains-t36638.html.

When following the directions to add a subdomain called * and pointing to the root of your subdomain, I noticed that Hostgator had done exactly that with my main domain for the account.

Since my add-on domain wildcard DNS didn't work with just the main domain configured, I figured I try the same trick with the add-on domain itself. It works like a charm.

So I grab the fake subdomain portion of the URL and pass it to the index.php page in the .htaccess file like this ...

Options +FollowSymLinks
RewriteEngine on
RewriteBase /

RewriteCond %{HTTP_HOST} ^([^.]+)\.domain\.com?$
RewriteRule ^$ http://www.domain.com/index.php?name=%1 [L]

Then I can process at the page level. Or I can configure an internal redirect within the .htaccess file.

Once I clean it up, I'll be posting soon about how to grab the file names in a directory and sorting and displaying them. So all you have to do is add a file to the directory and it will automatically be displayed, no database required.

Bye for now.

Just Had To Post This ... (Sarah Palin)

2008-09-04T16:06:00.000-04:00